* This blog is dedicated to the bich (oh yes, I KNOW I spelled it wrong!), moderators at TWOP. Without Strenga et AL, I'd be happily posting-away along with the best of them. Unfortunately, TWOP is a little too heavy-handed, high-falootin' and downright unfriendly.
*(added 2011)-Amended to mean Strega's Real Housewives forum(s) and of course those Bravo Blogs that eat your comments w/o posting them. I still visit TWOP for the best snark.

*(Added April 30th, it has come to my attention that some of the rumors posted on this blog are definitely FALSE. Most rumors are clearly labeled as such, but in case I missed any, please keep that in mind)

Friday, July 1, 2011

Part 4: A Mid-Summer's Night Tweet

I have to apologize here. If you are reading this and wondering where Part One is, or even waiting for it, it still isn't finished. I'm not trying to drag this out, but I've fallen-down a rabbit-hole here. (but that's another story!)
Last Thursday, some viewers of The Real Housewives of New York, (including myself), were stunned when Bobby Zarin had a few quiet but stern words with Simon VanKempen.
That brief-exchange was a prelude to tonight's episode, (Season 4, episode 13), Your Tweeting Heart.
Forget about the "fourth-wall". Bravo has broken-through the fifth-wall, into our computers. Into the blogesphere. Into a secret dirtier than the fact that we even watch this crap in the first place. They have entered into The Heart of Darkness, (random literary reference),-where some of us not only admit that we watch, but where many of us continue to watch, (and sometimes become), the drama off-screen, and online.
So it is complicated. Personally,-mostly to avoid long, drawn-out explanations, I've chosen to mostly focus-on what goes-on in the "box"-(the television show), and since Bravo stubbornly refuses to say that The Housewives are anything other-than real life-the real-life goings-on, of The Real Housewives.
What I've avoided posting about in this blog is what has become the storyline on Season 4. And I was there, I mean right here, online while it was happening.
When Bravo, (and Bobby Zarin), dragged the www into the show along-with the usual cast-of-characters, they called-out a blog that many of us know well. (although the name went unsaid, Alex McCord later confirmed the reference in her Bravo blog-but we already knew).  Bobby probably didn't even want to say the words that would help a hater find their kind, or say the blog's name, I-Hate-Jill-Zarin.
What did Bobby say to Simon? I think the fact that Bobby started the ball-rolling, needs to be remembered because Kelly's psychotically hysterical reactions put the blame squarely with Simon.
Not only did Kelly attack and accuse Simon of being, "inappropriate", among other things like, "icky yucky man-eeww", but she then flitted from player to player, creating a comedy of errors not-quite worthy-of Shakespeare, but  close-enough for 60-minutes or so of reality-television.
The mischievous Puck, was played by Kelly. (not to be confused-with Puck of The Real World-San Fransisco).

(Bobby Zarin)- "Somebody brought something to my attention that I wish they wouldn't have....An internet hate-blog...hate-bloggers....I understand that you are involved with it."

(Simon VanKempen)-  "No. Absolutely one-hundred per cent not the case."

(Bobby Zarin)-  "Peace...love...We have an understanding? Let's shake on it."

(Simon VanKempen)-  nodding head yes, shaking hands  "Yes."

*Click HeRe for quotation source
As I explained in Part Three of this special series, Simon must have either had his fingers-crossed, or Bravo was re-arranging time for reality-television. Because Simon has made at least several unique personal appearances, online, AND in "real-life" inside-of the I Hate Jill Zarin blog.
But in Episode 12, Season 4, (whenever the heck it happened!), ostensibly sometime in December, 2010, Simon and Bobby shook on it. (Simon may be an Aussie, but Bravo would like to have us think that he practices Welsh traditions?).
After this, we are shown an exchange between Simon and Jill Zarin. Kelly also happens to be there and this is where the hijinks begin.
Simon approaches Jill with an invitation to talk. Is it me-or was this a completely normal thing? Considering that Bobby Zarin asked Simon to do, or not-do something, on Jill's behalf, it seems to me that Simon was making-good on his promise to Bobby.
But Puck, I mean Kelly, lost-the-plot. She was so terribly, terribly offended. Why? Because Simon is a...a...
a "MAN"! (-quote Kelly, ironically slipping-into Jane Austen, considering that she dresses like a street-walker).
Did Jill became confused by Kelly's rude intrusions, and Kelly's declaration that the icky, husbandy/YUCK!, Simon, was behaving shockingly "Inappropriately". Jill declined to speak-with Simon about what Bobby had started.
Simon reacted badly to that, he replied that Jill could "Watch Out. (he has owned-up to that.-In a #Tweet of course) .
But Kelly didn't stop there. She started a campaign amongst the Housewives to accuse Simon of being a cyber-bully.
Jill remembered why she was mad at Simon in-the-first-place. Cyber-bullying by being friends with mean people online at I Hate Jill Zarin and not defending Jill from his hater-friends. She explained that Simon was involved-in Social-Media as his new job. Kelly surmised that the "gross, weirdo-creepy-bleeegh" Simon, "...is existing on negative attention on the internet". Luann said that Simon is, "dangerous", and that Simon and Alex are, "struggling to be relevant."
Because-of Kelly's contagious man-hating, these women came to the conclusion that Simon's social-media work involved "mean-Tweeting" all-day, about them.
Alex's Bravo-blog for this week's episode went into detail about Simon's job showing people in the hospitality industry how to use social-media as a business tool.
-Well, I don't like to re-cap much, because there are so many Real Housewives re-cappers who do a great job, (including the haters at I Hate-You-Know-Who),  but I do like quotes, and excuse me for not knowing who said one-of my favorites, but, trying to sort-out the HOT-MESS, (not "hotness"-Kelly, I know she has trouble with two-syllable words), just makes me want to say, "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!!!".
I grabbed a few more quotes from Kelly to Alex from tonight's cablecast, "You guys are odd.", "Whatever your husband is doing is inappropriate, and I don't like it!", and the one that brought me back to reality, because it was such an incredibly stupid thing to say, and woke me out-of my dream.
Apparently Kelly became annoyed because Alex sat there turning five-shades of red while she was being verbally abused by Kelly, and Kelly became exasperated. Kelly started to rise-up out of her seat in an intimidatingly, (dare-I say-it?, Bullying-way). She looked like she was getting-ready to throw-the-table.
Instead she sputtered-out, "C-C-Can you STOP BEING RED???!!!" Kelly ended-it with a dirty-look and the threat/warning-of becoming socially ostracized, by snarling, "I'm gonna let you get iced-out!"
And just like that, the dream is over. I'm up here and you're down there, or visa~versa. In fact, maybe Bravo wasn't riffing-on classic literature at all, maybe its all a throwback to early 80's Classic-Television.
Remember Dallas? Could this entire season have been a dream up 'till now? Or did Kelly just forget to take her crazy-pills again?
In thinking this over, if Bravo tweaked-the-timeline, to make it appear that some things occurred after Bobby Zarin and Simon had their fateful chat, and/or if they really happened earlier-(in real-life), or not-quite like how it was edited, it might not seem so insane. But at least Kwazy-Kelly is back. What took so long?
Looks-like I was side-tracked here again, and I still haven't begun what I set-out to tell you all about.
Thank-you to everyone for your kind messages, and Tweets, and helpful hints. I haven't forgotten that I promised to tell you all a thing or two about the "Hate-Blog", (and maybe why it wasn't such a great idea for Simon to be so "chummy" with them?) from the beginning. Thanks for hanging-in there with this long, drawn-out story, and in case you didn't notice, so-far I have posted Part 2, 3, and 4, (but not necessarily in that order), and Part 1 has not been posted yet.